Friday, June 15, 2007

Lost in Yonkers

I may have lost my knitting mojo... I'm not sure but it seems possible. Yesterday was knit night. All day I debated about going or not going. Normally I would never ever think of not going but lately I've been feeling very blah. I know that I always feel better after I go. I know that I love the people there and feel like part of a group. I know they don't care what I look like or if my knitting sucks or any of that stuff and that's a comforting thought but I just felt yucky and mopey. As I left work I really wasn't sure where I was going but my car headed toward knit night. I drove all the way to Killingsworth (this took about 20 min.) still debating with myself then decided I should go to Salem for the evening and help Mom out. So I turn around and drove for 50 minutes, only making it as far as Wilsonville with no end of the stop and go traffic in sight. Since Wilsonville is still like 35 miles from Salem and it had taken me almost an hour to drive maybe 15 miles I decided that it wasn't going to happen. I turned around and made my way home (another 40 minute trek). The only good part about all this driving was that I was sing/screaming along to an old CD that was in the car. It was therapeutic at least.

Once I finally arrived home I did knit. Actually I spent my knitting time seaming together the little cardigan I've been knitting. I did both sides and gave up on the sleeves. Too much effort, not enough fun. I'm tempted to start a new project but I am afraid that if I do I won't go back and finish this one. I seem (seam :P) to have that problem.

So this weekend the plan is to go to Salem and give Mom a little break. Honestly I wish I could just take a vacation from the real world for a couple of days. Then I think about my Mom being there 24-7 and not getting any breaks and I feel guilty. I have time to myself. I still live in my own house. I still have my significant other close by. Most importantly I'm not watching my mother die before my eyes. Looking at it that way 2 days is nothing and it's much more important to give my Mom a little time for herself.

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

Time Flies...

Wow it's been a long time since I checked in here. I've been thinking about it, normally in the middle of work or as I'm falling asleep at night, not so helpful really.

Things have been a bit chaotic over the last two weeks. Jeff's sister, brother-in-law and their 8 month old came to visit from Georgia. I had never met her husband and obviously not the baby so I was a little nervous. Would my house be clean enough? (no) Would we have enough money for groceries to feed all these new people? (no) Would they think I was a total dork and tell Jeff he should find someone better? (I don't think that happened, in fact I think I made a fairly good impression, hard to know for sure though).

Then in the midst of all this my Grandmother had some medical issues and I had to spend a lot of time with her in the Salem hospital. So then I worried about Grandma AND my house guests. Would my Grandmother make it through the first night? (yes) Would Jeff keep his family entertained? (not so much) What if they release Grandma from the hospital, will I be able to take care of her until my Mom drove over from Minnesota? (they kept her, after major surgery they tend to do that but I was in panic mode - not used to making life or death decisions for someone) Will Jeff feed his family? Will he help clean up or any of that stuff? Will the baby find fun stuff on our floors to pop into her mouth? (no, no, yes - lots o' cat hair for sure) To top it off we were interviewing for a new person to assist me at work and my birthday also happened somewhere in there. So ya, lots of stuff going on.

My company has now gone home. I really enjoyed having them here, although I didn't see them all that much. I loved having a baby around and I fear I may have sniffed her head so much that all the baby smell is gone. I haven't asked yet but her mother hasn't complained so my guess is that it comes back :P So for that part of the chaos, all's well that ends well.

My grandmother on the other hand... not so well. While in the hospital they found bone cancer on her spine. She is in a tremendous amount of pain and the only way the hospital would discharge her was if Hospice got involved. Luckily, even though she didn't think she needed any help, my grandmother finally agreed to have Hospice on board. I am so so glad. My Mom was not sure how she was going to take care of everything on her own but they send someone everyday to check in and she can have a volunteer come for a couple of hours if she needs some time off. They seem like they are really geared toward taking care of all the family, not just the patient. I am so thankful. Apparently she will most likely only live for a few weeks, maybe a few months if we're lucky. I wish I could just take off the time from work and be there, I've even semi-seriously considered quiting. I don't think I will because I feel like it would be abandoning them at a bad time, but I really feel torn about it. I just don't quite know what I'm doing anymore.

On a brighter note I saw the Yarn Harlot! I went with the lovely Kathy from Vast Amounts of Spare Time. It was wonderful to take a step away from my life and chat with someone. I met a ton of wonderful knitters and sat in the front row to hear Stephanie speak. She literally made my week. I bought her book and almost every page I find something that I read aloud to Jeff. For a muggle I have been pleasantly surprised at how much of this he gets and laughs about. I heart that boy!

Knitting has happened as well. I worked to get this cardigan done for the baby but it didn't quite happen. I am now to the seeming point and hope to have pics for you later this week.

Wow, I think that just typing about all of this has helped, maybe I should share more often.